Laila's Lens

March 19th, 2024. 5:00 P.M. In a small corner of a house office. White walls, beside a window with a fire escape. She is wearing a black shirt and red long-sleeve underneath. Sitting down on a chair in front of her laptop besides a tall stack of manga one-piece anime books. There are faint sounds of ambulances and pigeons in the back. She smiles and puts her blonde hair behind her ear.

I actually was thinking about this recently for Women's Day because it was Wednesday this week, I was like, I want to dress as girly and as cute as possible today at work. And it was like, I got so many comments and I was like, what was the point of doing all this? I just want to work. I just want to do my work. A guy would never get comments about what he's wearing or their position- or their ability as an engineer would never be questioned based on what they're wearing.

Because that's just how it is. You can’t win.

So to get people to listen to me and respect me no matter what i'm wearing- or how I'm presenting I still need that respect.

If its a day where I want to dress cute to work, hell yeah i'm gonna wear the cute skirt and crop top to work. And I definitely will get comments like, oh, nice outfit today. And I'm like, how is this any different than any other day? I never really wear them that often because it's annoying to get the comments like, oh, you dressed up today, what for? And it's like, well, why does it matter how I'm presenting? I want to dress cute because I feel comfortable and I don't want to be not taken seriously. I don't want to have to worry about how I'm presenting to affect my work. You shouldn't have to change how you want to dress or, how you feel most comfortable for the work environment.

But that's just how it is. You can’t win.

And God forbid I'm wearing a cute necklace- I went through a choker phase. I bought this 50 pack from Amazon, and I was wearing these cute chokers to work, and my male faculty would see them and they'd be like, oh, this necklace. And I'd be like, why are you looking at my necklace? So then I stopped wearing them because- I was like, I just want to go to class.

You have to do what you have to do.

And if I raise my voice it's like, oh, you have to calm down.

Jacob and I had an argument about something on the car, and we were both yelling at each other. We were arguing with each other very loud. Afterwards everyone came up to me and was like, you can't yell like that. You have to calm down. And I noticed no one was doing that for him. I was thinking, what is the difference between me yelling versus Jacob yelling,

I'm a woman.

That's the main difference because we're both technologically equally as capable at engineering. But it just felt like everyone was more concerned about me yelling than him yelling. But I did notice that I got more feedback about my behavior than he did. I was like, listen, you can't talk like that at work.

So it's like the woman engineer has to not act like the man engineer, but also has to look like the man engineer and behave like the man engineer, but can't actually behave like the man engineer.

You can't win.

If a man in the leadership is raising their voice and yelling, nobody says anything, Because it's okay if he yells, but it's not okay if I yell.

It's like, you can't win.

I don't think they ever think about what is it like to be a female engineer. I understand the male engineering perspective and understand the female engineering perspective. But I don't think that the male engineers ever think about that.

That's just how it is.

We have to know the man's position and our position where they only have to know their position.

Because that's just how it is.

Maybe I'm so far brainwashed by society, but- I feel like I put in the extra effort into my work because I just- I just, I want the work to be good. I don't do it for societal expectations- but maybe I'm so far brainwashed by society Or it's just so many years of being told your work has to be better because you won't be taken seriously otherwise.

It goes back to again, you can't win.

When I won some competition at school, it was like- girl gets first prize for design contest. I was so pissed off about it. I wrote to the people and I was like, you have to change this headline.

It's bullshit.

No, I'm not a girl engineer. I'm an engineer who just happens to be a girl.

And my male peers don't get that. When I complain, they're like, shouldn't you be happy? You got an article written about you? I'm like,

no.

But it wasn't written about me. It was written about some object of a girl who won this design prize.

It pisses me off. And it's never woman either. It's always like, girl.

And it's like, well, why does it matter how I'm presenting? No matter what I wear, I won't win. Why does that matter?

I do think about it. If I wear this today, what are people going to say? Stuff like that.

But it's also like why do I care? Well, you care when it starts to affect your work. You care when people are going to question what I'm doing. It's frustrating. Like why today are you questioning my work more than yesterday when I was wearing a T-shirt?

It's bullshit. It pisses me off. why does it matter how I'm presenting?

But that's just how it is. You can’t win.